Life

Everyone once-in-a-while I feel like a complete freak. My querkiness rises to the occasion and I'm caught in oblivion to life around me. I've also thought of this as alienation.

Currently, my present state is coming out of a time of alienation. I wasn't able to grasp life around me for..well, the life of me.

Life... what is life? What does it mean to have life? I know that God in me brings life. He said, "I have come so that you might have life and have it to the full."

Some say I'm a lively person...I can honestly say it's not my nature. My nature is to do things my way, instead of putting others first. My nature is to do what pleases me instead of what pleases God. My nature is to run my life according to what I deem is important...instead of what is important to God. If it were up to me...according to my nature...right now I would probably be in the hospital for depression because I tried to ruin myself. I would be in the hospital with an eating disorder because I thought that being skinny and beautiful was the most important thing. I would be in the hospital because I was pregnant and I thought that being physically involved with a man would bring life to the emptiness. Emptiness that lies within all of us.

Thankfully, I'm not in the hospital. Do I have issues? ...Oh definitely. Do I have the desires and temptations daily to become what the world says is pretty, what the world says is right and good? Yes. Have I fallen and messed up? Yes.

Jesus. He's why I'm not in the hospital.
Jesus. He's why I can walk in freedom from past sin and downfalls.
Jesus. He's why I have life...indescribable joy, freedom, and the desire to do good things and to love people.

Words

Do you ever have those library books or movie rentals that somehow make it in your closet or under you bed? On a rainy day you decide to pull out the blanket and somehow that book or movie slides out too and you realize...I totally forgot about that. Well, that's the case here. I totally forgot I made a blog about 3 years ago...ridiculous. At times I'm not a big writer and at other times I feel like an author because I can fill up a journal in a month.

The funny thing is that I'm very much of an internal processor. So, writing is very beneficial to me. Although, I almost cringe at saying that because it can start to annoy me.

I don't know why I can't give you a straight answer always on the spot.
I don't know why when you ask me a question I need a long moment to think about it. One reason may be that words are valuable to me. Words hit me to the core and they can either build me up or break me down. I've been in so many relationships where words just fly- no thought to how it may affect me. Then again, there hasn't been true care, just a self-centered care...if that's possible.

I want to say...Wait a second! Did you even think before you spoke?
Obviously, it was very apparent that you didn't.

I also tend to let things roll...not realizing that their word-choice has hit me deep within the heart, not to come out until later...much later.

So please...Think before you Speak. It will benefit you and those around you.