Grumpy

I woke up grumpy this morning. My alarm went off about 6:30am. I wanted it to shut off on its own. I didn’t want to drop my arm along the side of my bed to the floor where my cell lay. (I’m getting married in 10 days and therefore I’m lacking furniture.) And I’m lacking joy, not because I’m getting married. No, I love the man I’m marrying and I couldn’t be more than happy. But, this morning I woke up grumpy. Grumpy because I was not rested. Grumpy because I wanted to get up at 6:30am if not earlier and work out. Grumpy because after I worked out I wanted to go to Grounds for Celebration, drink coffee and drink deeply from the Word of God…something that I am in great need of. Working out didn’t matter much, but not getting up to spend time with the Lord irritated me. So, therefore I’m grumpy. At times I laugh about it. At other times I cry.

You see…God brought Ben and I together. Ben and I fit perfectly together. The Lord has mended our hearts together and given us each other. Which is the second best gift that we could receive, second to God giving Jesus Christ to us to set me free from sin and give me the hope of eternal life.

I don’t spend time with God in order to pay him back, and yet I do in the same. I am indebted to Him, He is my Master. What an amazing Master He is. No other master on earth will bless me as much as God does and has. No other master on earth will meet my needs as God does and has. No other master on earth will give His son up for me as God has. For those reasons, and a million more along those lines, I want to devote my life to getting to know the Creator that knit me together in my mother’s womb, as David once said in the Psalms.

This is why I’m grumpy. I had it in my mind that I would spend time with the Lord this morning, and I was too tired. I don’t like excuses. Yes, I can and will do it tonight, but I’m in wedding planning mode and my brain is on “Go” mode so it’s harder to focus. The morning just brings a peace and ease to my heart that the evening doesn’t. So,
I woke up grumpy this morning.

Life

Everyone once-in-a-while I feel like a complete freak. My querkiness rises to the occasion and I'm caught in oblivion to life around me. I've also thought of this as alienation.

Currently, my present state is coming out of a time of alienation. I wasn't able to grasp life around me for..well, the life of me.

Life... what is life? What does it mean to have life? I know that God in me brings life. He said, "I have come so that you might have life and have it to the full."

Some say I'm a lively person...I can honestly say it's not my nature. My nature is to do things my way, instead of putting others first. My nature is to do what pleases me instead of what pleases God. My nature is to run my life according to what I deem is important...instead of what is important to God. If it were up to me...according to my nature...right now I would probably be in the hospital for depression because I tried to ruin myself. I would be in the hospital with an eating disorder because I thought that being skinny and beautiful was the most important thing. I would be in the hospital because I was pregnant and I thought that being physically involved with a man would bring life to the emptiness. Emptiness that lies within all of us.

Thankfully, I'm not in the hospital. Do I have issues? ...Oh definitely. Do I have the desires and temptations daily to become what the world says is pretty, what the world says is right and good? Yes. Have I fallen and messed up? Yes.

Jesus. He's why I'm not in the hospital.
Jesus. He's why I can walk in freedom from past sin and downfalls.
Jesus. He's why I have life...indescribable joy, freedom, and the desire to do good things and to love people.

Words

Do you ever have those library books or movie rentals that somehow make it in your closet or under you bed? On a rainy day you decide to pull out the blanket and somehow that book or movie slides out too and you realize...I totally forgot about that. Well, that's the case here. I totally forgot I made a blog about 3 years ago...ridiculous. At times I'm not a big writer and at other times I feel like an author because I can fill up a journal in a month.

The funny thing is that I'm very much of an internal processor. So, writing is very beneficial to me. Although, I almost cringe at saying that because it can start to annoy me.

I don't know why I can't give you a straight answer always on the spot.
I don't know why when you ask me a question I need a long moment to think about it. One reason may be that words are valuable to me. Words hit me to the core and they can either build me up or break me down. I've been in so many relationships where words just fly- no thought to how it may affect me. Then again, there hasn't been true care, just a self-centered care...if that's possible.

I want to say...Wait a second! Did you even think before you spoke?
Obviously, it was very apparent that you didn't.

I also tend to let things roll...not realizing that their word-choice has hit me deep within the heart, not to come out until later...much later.

So please...Think before you Speak. It will benefit you and those around you.

Well, Hello there...

So, my dear friend Crissa has this blog spot and little did I realize that if I wanted to comment, I must create my own blog spot. I don't know how I feel about letting the whole world read my thoughts if they wanted to. Not that I have things to hide, but I'm talking about the whole world!!! Anyway, I guess when the wisdom wheels start to turn and the questions start to pop, I serve you all up something good! For now...I'm am going to go running...Unitl...